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Picture
Vittles is a humbler way to pronounce and spell the word 'victuals.'





WAITING ON CHESTER

Biscuits, Bacon, and Bullets-- 
How to Dodge Your Just Desserts 




                                                FERBERESQUE, NOT FAT 

          Matt was not magnified by James Arness. 
Matt was always big, from the very beginnings 
of Gunsmoke in radio. 
Not only did Matt beat buffalo hunters & bullies, 
but the 'sound pattern' technicians very pointedly made his footfalls 
heavier & larger than everybody else's.  
There was no connection with William Conrad's weight; 
Matt was never supposed to look like Wm Conrad. 
Matt simply had magnitude, from the day he began, in radio.  


                                              KITTY KO-DEPENDENT 

          Matt mentions his weight once in 'Groat's Grudge,' 
when he gains a few after being too stationary in Dodge. 
Kitty didn't mind more Matt, as long as he was near 
and not getting hurt somewhere or escorting females in the prairie. 
          "You look fine," says Kitty:  "It'd be alright with me."  


                                              WEIGHING CHESTER 

          If anyone was overfed, it was Chester.  
The same tv Gunsmoke fans who snicker at the idea 
of Conrad playing Dillon, get their only image of Chester 

from Dennis Weaver. 
          Ironically, Chester as he began in radio 
had a fuller profile because he was given vocal volume 
by big & broad Parley Baer, who gave him a thin swinish voice. 
          TV fans are under the impression 

that Baer was the one copying Weaver, 
despite the fact that he was playing Chester 

four years before tv Gunsmoke even began. 
Go figure--the ironies are heavy. 
          Furthermore, or rather fattermore, 
there are as many references to Chester feeding & fattening, 
as licorice & horehound in Mr. Jonas' glass jars. 

          Chester being chubby made sense on radio 
because of the volume of vittles that he 'et.' 
All the vittley comedy bits carried over to television, 
where they made just as much sense with a stick-thin tv Chester
who ate everything but gained nothing. 



          In 'Old Man's Gold,'  Matt says: 
          "Chester told me that he had three helpings of that stew." 
          Doc responds: 
          "Chester's got four stomachs--like a camel." 

          In 'Bad Boy,'  Doc tries to give Chester a hint: 
          "Fasting's good for a man, Chester.  

And a little of it wouldn't hurt you."

          Chester's two best friends, talking about him in 'Groat's Grudge'— 
          Doc:  "Here comes Chester, looking hungry."  
          Matt:  "He hasn't eaten for at least an hour and a half. 
Of course he's hungry." 

          Waiter:  "What'll you have?"  
          Chester: 
"Well, now... "  
          Matt: "Bring him something to eat in a hurry!" 
          Chester: "Well, now—I ain't in no special rush!" 
          Matt:  "Yes, you are, Chester.  Meet me in the stable 
in five minutes.  We're gonna be ridin'... "  

          During a prairie stake-out in the episode 'Annie Oakley,' 
an always-hungry Chester aches for "a plate of hot meat 
and maybe a loaf of sourdough bread." 

          In 'The Wake,'  Chester attends the vigil for the vine & vittles--
          Chester:  "I hope we ain't gonna be late!" 
          Matt:  "From the sound of things, they're just warmin' up!"
          Chester:  "No, I mean for the vittles--I hope it ain't all gone!"
          Matt: "If I know you, you'll make out somehow."  

          F
rom 'Brush At Elkader'--
          Chester:  "Now I know what's wrong with this town." 
          Matt:  "Oh, what?"  
          Chester:  "The way they eat!  That restaurant puts out 
the mustiest-smellin' beef stew I ever smelled!"   
          Matt:  "That was goat stew!"  
          Chester:  "Goat?!  I need a drink...  "  




          In 'Moo Moo Raid,'  Chester complains: 
          "I just don't seem to have any appetite at all lately, Mr. Dillon."
          "Yeah, I noticed that, Chester—you only had six eggs." 

          When they are called to an emergency, Chester protests: 
          "I got some flapjacks here I ain't et yet!" 

          In 'Speak Me Fair,'  Matt confirms Chester's gut-feeling 
that the latter indeed had two pounds of deer liver for breakfast.

          In 'The Blacksmith,'  Chester wonders at the breakfast 
Matt has just bought him: 
          "My--steak, eggs, potatoes, and a glass of beer! 
Why, that could last a man clean to noon dinner!" 

          At the blacksmith's wedding party, there is a barrel of beer,
hard-boiled eggs, pickled pigs' feet, roast chicken, smoked beef, 
sugar cakes, dried apple pie, and whiskey. 

          Chester's definition of Solanum tuberosum 
in the tv version of 'The Blacksmith': 
          "Potatoes, that's just part of the steak!" 

          Chester's chestnut on eggs in the tv version of 'Old Flame':
"You gotta have aygs in the morning." 

          In 'Twelfth Night,'  the Mongers fix their feud

with the final Hakes, by feasting on kraut, sour pickles, 
cornbread, coffee, and chitlins.  






January 9, 2008 




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